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Bear My Thoughts (Pun Intended)

6 Jan

I have disappeared the past couple of months into a vacuum. However, I have not disappeared because of nothing but because all my energy has been focused on writing essays for my subjects on a weekly basis and whenever I got free time I would prefer spending it with putting my brains on a snooze mode.

Here, I am finally free (technically I was free a week ago) and I am in a holiday. It has been hectic trying to pull in everything I missed on out since the semester has started and doing the things that I love. Like watching movies where during the course I have alternated it with YouTube videos just to spare the time- because I could not just simply sit down and watch a movie for a period of time (even though I did it on rare basis). Reading, I miss reading outside materials that does not involve anything related to college, every time I attempt to pick a book a find myself not having time to read it and read college material- or feeling guilty that I am not reading the “suppose to read” stuff on the price of “self enjoyment” material. Add to that, writing outside stuff like writing this post- or simply just pouring my thoughts without thinking twice about what I should be or should not be writing and how “formal” the essay should be. Or that it should be flawless of grammatical errors (which will you be seeing a lot in this blog because I do not revise twice upon the post I have written- it is informal and I’m free to speak hence, no grading) just to be to the point and valid with the points I’m stating. It is kind of frustrating at times especially when each doctor had his/her own way of approving which is a good essay and which is not.

Lastly, hibernating- yes like a bear. Continue reading →

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Push the Buttons

31 Oct

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

 

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Esperanza and Summer Course

3 Aug

image

I admit it has been a while since I wrote anything. Hell, I don’t even remember when was the last time and what did I write about. I would have to check in order to remember. All I can recall is that I was complaining to my friend when i just had started summer course about how I wasn’t writing as I would like to. Anyway I wasn’t away and that means I am not back. I was just in a hold mood until I was done from summer course.
Speaking of summer course I feel the need to elaborate on this subject a bit. You see this is my first time to ever take a summer course and as it is I never expected myself to be this lazy I mean, aside from not writing, I really had gotten lazy. It is like the almost five days between the ending of the second semester and the starting of summer course was not the tad bit enough to regenerate my brain cells. I just attend the three subjects I’ve taken, try as much as I can to concentrate, think I understand something, and go home not doing anything as if the classes I attended didn’t happen. And then I just ended up the course with grades I am not that satisfied with. Thinking of it now I came up with a few conclusions why did I become that lazy person in this course:
1. It’s summer hence it is very very very very very hot, that it stopped my brain cells from working the way it should work properly. I’m sweating bad more like a guy (and in a not cool gym way but the disgusting you don’t want to speak of way. TMI I know!!) The heat makes me think all the day of going home and classes from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm is a long run from going home. (Did I say VERY hot?)
2. Due to the fact that becoming an semi- A student did not happen until I became deeply involved with literature it made sense that I was not interested in the mandatory but awful subjects that did not include any sort of literature. I preferred to leave the literature subjects for the long courses so I could enjoy my classes to the max. ( A literature nerd you say?)
3. I know that I have mentioned before ( here) that I hate vacations and I still do. But it turned out (and I mentioned that as well) that five days is not a vacation or a breather. I needed two weeks at least to reboot myself.
4. Subjects I took were lame. Extremely lame. One was Kuwait history (that I repeated) and the other one even though it is in the English field but it’s the linguistics side and I just … hate linguistics. Why should a literature student take five courses in that field? .. meh.
Even though I when I was done from summer course I said that I wouldn’t be taking it again because the lack of effort I gave I figured out that I will be taking it again and here is why:
1. When calculated how many subjects I had left it turned out with a summer course and a year and a course (that is 3 courses and a summer course) I would be graduating not this year but next year the first half. I can’t believe I’m this close I thought I still had two years. But because I’m planning to take twelve subjects this year ( that is six subjects per course), three in the summer course, and seven in the remaining course this is manageable. I wasn’t even aware of that!!! Yes I know this a lot of stress but I know I could do it (inshAllah) plus I need to graduate first half of the year so I could complete my masters the next year. Turns out for masters if you graduate the first half the following September you could complete but if you graduate the second half you have to wait for the next year to join (weird I know). So yeah if I want my plan to go well I have to take a summer course.
2. See what I said about vacations? Well yeah a three months vacation is a lot for me that is when I hate vacation. At least I made something useful with my life (even though it is not that useful) instead of sitting at home.
For now I am enjoying my Ramadan and what is remaining from my vacation until next course. I will beginning with my new minor (Comparative Literature) which by the way I’m from the very first students who is minoring in this field in Kuwait University (YAAAY!! I’m excited). It is going to be a course loaded with literature subjects (four literature, one linguistics :( , and one philosophy). Let us see how things go on the way inshAllah all to the best.
I feel like shouting another YAAY for finally writing something YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

-Esperanza Writes

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Little People (Short Story)

3 Jul

There is a small city, so far way and hidden. In it lives little people working and being hyper active. However, because they are little tiny itsy people in a tiny little itsy city nobody knows of this place. The only creatures who know of its existence are flying birds that pass above it and rest in it while immigrating.  In this city a natural cycle runs. Newborn babies come into life everyday and old folks die as their journey in life ends.

And yet they were different. Different not only in the sense that they were so tiny (much like a journey in Gulliver’s travels to the tiny people) but in their way of fueling. They, not like regular people fuel on food on water, but have their own way of fueling with a weird kind of way. They fuel on letters, inspiration, and moving forward of the normal people. Whenever normal people thinks of words that are combined with multiple letters, or endorses a new kind of knowledge those tiny citizens would be all energized up. Talking a lot and being the fireworks to normal people. Without the normal people knowing.

Unfortunately, if they are not fueled over time those little people loses their power and slack off. And little by little they lose their souls, and this city become without citizens to count.

All those little people’s pleas are that they keep being fueled. To keep the city going. They are afraid to vanish.

-Esperanza Writes

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The Weapon of Me

18 Jun

I’m not a coward person but I do find a preferred method in not speaking especially when it something so intense that I rather not see the reaction of the person in front of me. It is not a thing that I think is worth fighting for if I’m not heard. I also have a problem with delivering my message upright to the person in front of me. Hence, with all that I find my belonging and thoughts come into written words. I do believe I am best with expressing myself within them. Within writing, whether it was story telling where I deliver I certain message through them (yes, even outraged messages), or through being straight forward and saying it (or in my case writing it) in bold letters. Bottom line this is my weapon and this is my courage form. You want to know me read me. Trust me people who read the words I’m writing are the most people that know me, I’m raw here more like uncooked meat (but of course I’m not to be eaten ;p). But I guess you get what I am saying here. Writing is more like my words shouted out loud, my la-la land, my creme brule if you may say. And most of all it is my weapon that I am not afraid to use. So congrats people you know me too well I’m afraid you’ll black mail me (round of applause!).

Having said the above, my weapon does get rusted at times. My brain just freezes and is most probably afraid to be on the open verge even to admit it to myself. I’m like “no I’m not thinking that, not going to write that”, but who am I kidding, I am thinking it why am I hiding it? Yes, my brain needs renewal, not writer’s block (because no such exists) but what can I say it is more like I’m too engrossed to see the obvious. Oblivious to the obvious.

I’m not sure of any of that.. I’m not even sure if I should post this.. but you know what?

I’m not going to grip on those anymore, I’m going to loosen my grip on my thoughts. This is my home. This is my place.

Tea, coffee anyone?

-Esperanza Writes

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[Past Post] Blue Rose

17 Jun

I’ve been having trouble figuring out what to write. So this is a past post called “Blue Rose”, from my ex-blog, expressing the reason why blue rose is my favorite flower and why do I feel that why about it. Until I regain my words I’ll leave you to this. Enjoy:

A delicate sign to hope trembling and crumbling, trying her best to make something out of herself. She looked up and reached out to this world thinking would she rather be like everybody else? or Would she show herself no matter how different she is, no matter what made her this way?
She was identified as not being real genetically changed and made to this… but she had to prove herself.. Prove herself right that she existed!!
She was thrown in a snowy windy day on the ground waiting, anticipating for a life saver.. and there a blue rose as lonely, as lost as her… she picked her up, inhaled a deep soothing breath, dropped to her knees and looked up…. and the soft lyrics of a song came along:

Blue as the crying sky
With no thorn, AND no THISTLE
Only AN open face
Staring at the waking worldMaybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine

Her arms stretch wide
To receive a life
And her ROOTS go deep into the BLACK EARTH for strength
And she blooms and

Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine

She blooms while the people sleep
Only the TRAVELERS SEE HER
To those who RISE with the noon day Sun
She is a closed mystery

AND Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
OH, Maybe she´s just a morning glory
Lost in a tangle of vine
Lost in a tangle of vine
Lost in a tangle of vine*


The girl walked with the blue rose clutched between her hands…she whispered ” I’ll not hide anymore” She decided not to hide anymore, no more for being lost and show her beauty no matter what is being told or said about her… She will stand whether was it out or in as long as she becomes herself….
She is a Blue Rose … She is a rose that is been made… and yet she’ll bloom to this life.. and not give up.. strong and independent… A Blue Rose she is.
I’d like to thank MJ-Al-Feeli  for shooting this photo exclusively for this post.
* “Blue Rose”, Lizz Wright.
-Esperanza Writes

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The Innie in Introverts

2 Jun

One of my blog readers, also a blogger herself, Sarah expressed her concerns about  being an introvert when I mentioned in my previous  post that I was one. I found that I had a lot to say and explain about the misconceptions of being an introvert. To be frank, I wanted to write about this subject a long time ago yet I was flirting with this idea and I thought that now everybody knows about it. Turns out I was wrong. I guess now is my lawful duty to explain and talk about the fact of being an introvert. So this post is dedicated to all introverts, specifically speaking to Sarah. :)

Introversion and Extroversion are a part of long way study of personalities. To be anyone of those is not a phase or something that you will eventually “get over with”. It is genetics more like the color of your eyes. What does it mean to be an introvert? Introverts, unlike extroverts, tend to find their comfort zone within themselves. Meaning that they feel at ease and at home when they are alone doing whatever they indulge in, or not doing anything at all. They tend to speak less in public, especially when there are more than four people surrounding. And when given a choice to either go to a party or stay at home doing nothing, they will hold on to staying at home with their claws, jaws, and about anything that clutches this.

People like to pity them and in general would call them “loners”. What they don’t get is that introverts enjoy this to the max. They do not see the enjoyment in going out and being socially active; and because one out of three are born to be introverts, they are a minority and they are seen to be “weird” and they try to push them away from their weirdness. That is a myth along with many others.  Continue reading →

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Did You Smile Today?

30 May

Around six months ago I started a survey via internet around the subject “Smiling”. Many bloggers (such as Kuwaitiful , HisHersQ8, Q8blend .. and so forth) who helped spreading the survey, many online people (that I know and don’t know) kindly participated in this survey, even though it had nothing to with cookies ;p. The sum of 71 different people helped make this survey possible for analysis. So 71 thanks to all of you there. Thank you very much!! To read the result I have pdf-ed them for the world to view here ( A_Survey_on_Smiling (2) ).

Just so I can include in the picture to why I proceeded with such a survey. I know smiling has such a huge effect on people it is mentioned in our Sunna as the following pictures says:

And it is as well studied in a scientific form where the result that smiling releases some kind of endorphin (?)  that is such a mood lifter. However, here is my own insights on this subject. Before six months I had one of my many crazy ideas to show people how much it is important to smile and in a way to show it through a miniature study. A part of this study is a ten question survey (above) which is not that deep only a quick, broad questions on the effect of smiling on one’s mood, and on strangers (I do confess that it may hold a part of errors there, but generally it is good according to content. Check it yourself).

The second part of the study (or whatever it is supposed to be called) is based on my own actions. Six months ago I decided to pack a bag of smiles and to distribute them on people that either I hardly know or did not know at all. Six months ago I did not know anybody in college, let us just say I spent all my time either reading, studying, writing with barely any human interaction outside of class. Which is normal, it is not a pity at all where I was an introvert by nature. Except for the sake of the study, I started to slowly edge away from my usual self and smile to almost everyone I came across to. At first I was self-observed where  I was not comfortable at all with this whole “Smiling at strangers” thing. However, I sensed through my efforts to smile that people started to open up to me, get closer and not fear my existence. Gradually I started to smile more often until it became a habit of mine.  I would smile to the cleaner at college and she would be filled with joy for this small gesture, this smile little thing made wonders. I really do not know how much the effect is but in return I go a huger smile that made me smile more. This just brightened my day.

People started to open up with what they felt about me. One girl told, whom I had classes with last year, said to me that before she thought I was a deeply self-involved person that has a weight of life time problems on my shoulder, yet when I first smiled at her, that one single smile everything changed since then. Now she sees me as a totally different person. I’m fully aware that my smile is not magical or sensational I just believe that the act of purely smiling changes everything. Because I’ve went through it I could now say that smiling is not just a gesture it is a mood lifter, it really did effect me in a pleasant way, and so it did effect others as well.

Just a week ago the man at Coffee Republic in his Indian accent told the other employee “She’s a good girl”, I smiled and said “Who my friend?” He replied, “No, You!” And I asked with amazement, “Why?” Then he answered with something that made me smile more, “Because you smile.”

I do not know what is your position right now or later on. We all have our days and self-doubt, but in the end I do believe that a smile is a beginning of a change. A smile makes your day better, and I speak of experience. :)

So…….,

-Esperanza Writes

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Under the Name of Religion

19 May

I hope this won’t be sidetracking under the wrong way or understood in a different way. All I am to say here is out of love of my religion. I love my religion so much and I do believe in it’s superiority and the justice it gives and it hurts me and makes me angry when people, well known people scratches such a sacred thing. It is my duty now I understand to voice myself through this post.

Islam is such an amazing religion and I thank Allah a thousand times, even though it is not enough, that I am inborn with a religion where  answers to everything lies there. Where we have the sacred Holy Quran as our source. Islam is beautiful and that is a fact.

Lately as we go on with science and discoveries and everything that blows the mind we come to meet people who opposes it “under the name of religion” that this is forbidden or haram without any evidence to whatever they are submitting. The one and only source to their saying is a formulated opinion of theirs under whatever they see and think, over the surface, is wrong. Now I do not mean the obvious things that Allah and his Prophet Muhammad ( Sallah Allah Alaihi wa Salam) stated as it is there is no questioning  it. Yet here I’m talking about the evolve of science about people trying so hard and go on with their analysis and then BAM someone corrupts the name of religion and says “You know what this is haram” when they know nothing about this new thing.

Allow me to state an example when magicians came out they opposed them and said that they probably working with demons or “Jinn” and the truth is all of this is just allusion trying to trick you . You think they would show you their tricks? Of course not then what is the use if they reveal their things? This is just a stupid example but this is the truth everything new comes out someone goes out and shouts “This is forbidden”.

I’m a religious person. I believe in everything that Allah stated is right and justice without questioning it, here I’m not opposing religion I’m only opposing certain people who under the name of Islam pass their own judgment. Allah the Almighty said:

 (وَمَا أُوتِيتُمْ مِنَ الْعِلْمِ إِلَّا قَلِيلًا) [الإسراء: 85].

Allah says that we still have a long run to discover all the knowledge that is on earth and even then we won’t find it. So why go against all the knew discoveries when Allah and his Prophet encourged us to search and to make  earth a better place:

عن أنسٍ رضيَ الله عنه عن النبي (صلى الله عليه و سلم)  قال :

( إِنْ قَامَتْ السَّاعَةُ وَفي ِيَدِ أَحَدِكُمْ فَسِيلَةٌ ،فَإِنْ اسْتَطَاعَ أَنْ لَا يَقُومَ حَتَّى يَغْرِسَهَا؛ فَلْيَغْرِسْها )‏.

Ages ago people thought that the earth is flat, now with technology and new sciences we know that the earth is rounded. Who knows what will be discovered in the next years. If science had stopped the world would have stopped. If you want to state your own opinion that you did not like something, be my guest and say whatever you want you are free. Formulate your opinion as you want just don’t say it under the name of religion, do not go on and saying nonsense over things you do not own any knowledge of. If you see a certain thing that you think goes against our religion then go deep, look into it, provide it with evidence from the Quran and the Sunna, then you have the right to have a say under religion. Otherwise, you are not entitled to scratch such a sacred thing. Islam is rich. It is beautiful. It is justice. It is created by the creator Allah (Subhanah Wa Ta’ala) why wouldn’t be fair?

This is a post defending Islam, my beloved religion.

-Esperanza Writes

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Behind The Scenes

12 May

Remember the presentation I was bound to do? ( enhance your memory right here) Well it is over now and let me tell you one thing it went great! Bizarre! (el7emdellah). My presentation went smoothly and I was , and not being full of myself here, a natural performer even for the first time doing so. However here I’m not going to go on and on about how great it went or where did I slip ‘n’ slide in some point and managed to patch things up, but I will be talking about the “behind of scenes” of this presentation. How and why this presentation was a successful, amazing experiment in my life.

After Allah of course, my friend and partner in the presentation is the huge blessing to this event. I really hope that she reads this, in fact I’ll make sure she’ll read this. This girl whom I never knew until the beginning of the first semester of this study year we had a class together, where I was sitting in alone (most probably feeling lonely as ever) and not willing to make interaction. Except this amazing girl who would sit right next to me and flash me with her smile and make small talk with me. It made a whole lot of a difference to me. This smile is what I looked forward to the beginning of the day everyday, and to tell you the truth it was “hope” to me. I really liked her but it was “I-like-that-person-but-I-do-not-know-her-too-well” thing. Throughout the semester the same procedure continued where we would sit at the front make small talk and be as nerdy as ever, well not really but I guess you’ve got the picture. Once even we attended the class where we both were the only ones in class and it turned out that the doctor canceled the class and our nerdy ears refused to hear the cancellation ;p

a picture i took when we were the only ones who attended :)

Anyway time flew by and the term was about to come to an end. Until some doctors suggested that I present on English Day based on my paper on Billy Budd ( see my paper here and I do apologize for its form is not quite well when I PDFed it but I guess what is important is what’s in it full_research billy budd by esperanza writes) and the same thing was for her. We coincidentally knew that both of us are submitting our papers and knowing that only one Billy Budd paper will be accepted. So we went to our doctor and took his suggestion and it was as following. They might choose one of us and they might join our paper together (they are the Doctors). We on the other hand, did not really care what would be the outcome and were fine with it and left it for the Doctors to decide.

The semester ended and a new one began. The Doctor told us that we should decide what we wanted the presentation to be, single or joint. And joint is what we went with. Except we did not know how to combine two amazing, totally different papers together into a nine minutes presentation. At that time it sounded impossible to work with. Our Doctor suggested that we make it as a “hot debate” but yet we did not know how to do it. We exchanged out research papers and we started reading what the other had in hand. We drew a line of similarities and to that differences came out. A debate sounded more likely to be it. That was in mid February and our meetings took us with almost three times a week since then. In those times we elaborated more on this presentation we added and omitted trying to manage everything. Through this time span we knew each other more and more. I knew more about her and vice versa.  I remember once in a doctor’s office where we were supposed to present a draft of what we came with she told me something with uncompleted sentence and I nodded and said OK while the doctor was looking the whole time at us and commenting with something like that ” I could see the bond between you guys. I could totally imagine you growing up being so old with grandchildren playing around your feet while you are having your tea” (something like that of course I improvised here) where I replied with a huge smile ” I think by now she knows a lot about me more than anyone in this college” and I meant it. This is how we grew to be together.

Now where we presented in a way where we are both proud to say I worked with such an amazing girl I could say that this is where we won. We won each other. I am so proud to have known such a great person. We did just great because of each other after Allah.

Here is where I come to say:

Dear RZ,

I am really honored to know such a person as you. It is a great pleasure working with you and it is not a thing I will forget. This memory will stay with me forever. And no our friendship is not ending at this however it is just had started. Knowing you is one, if not the best, of the best things that happened to me in my college life and I am not exaggerating I am being so honest here. You are a flower that blossoms and never fades. Thank you for giving me a chance to be a part of your life. For giving me a chance to be in it. Thank you and Love you. I know that words are failing me right here but this is what came out and I do apologize for the lack of expression right here, but I guess you know what I mean. :)

Oh and I am going to miss you by not seeing you in college!! Pre-happy Graduation!!!!! You deserve all the best wAllah!! Allah ye7aftich!

Love

E.W.


-Esperanza Writes

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