Here, I am finally free (technically I was free a week ago) and I am in a holiday. It has been hectic trying to pull in everything I missed on out since the semester has started and doing the things that I love. Like watching movies where during the course I have alternated it with YouTube videos just to spare the time- because I could not just simply sit down and watch a movie for a period of time (even though I did it on rare basis). Reading, I miss reading outside materials that does not involve anything related to college, every time I attempt to pick a book a find myself not having time to read it and read college material- or feeling guilty that I am not reading the “suppose to read” stuff on the price of “self enjoyment” material. Add to that, writing outside stuff like writing this post- or simply just pouring my thoughts without thinking twice about what I should be or should not be writing and how “formal” the essay should be. Or that it should be flawless of grammatical errors (which will you be seeing a lot in this blog because I do not revise twice upon the post I have written- it is informal and I’m free to speak hence, no grading) just to be to the point and valid with the points I’m stating. It is kind of frustrating at times especially when each doctor had his/her own way of approving which is a good essay and which is not.

Lastly, hibernating- yes like a bear. Before getting into the hibernating “criteria”. I would like to explain to you why do I think I would have been a bear in my past-life (that is assuming I believe in reincarnation, in which I don’t believe):

Yes, this cute little bear. -on the right

1. I was originally fat- so now I am a slimmer bear.
2. I am cuddly. I love hugs and I give decent hugs to my loved ones. I am hug-able just like when you see a bear you have the urge to huge it– that is me (or I have been told so).
3. I do not know how much credible is this bit of information- but according to “Winnie-the-Pooh” it is VERY credible. Bears love honey and honey is a sweet-on-the-tongue product. I love sweet-on-the-tongue food. You do the math.
4. Just like a bear I appear very calm and tranquil- I could not hurt a fly. However, just like a bear once you disturb me- make me reach to the peak-est point of anger I turn from the cute cuddly bear to this bear:
   

   an outraged Grizzly

    

5. One time I wanted to get me a nickname (like ages ago) for a forum site and out of the blue I named myself “Polar Bear”. I do not know about you but if Freud would say something about my Id wanting to say something about  an attachment with bears.
6.  

   Hibernation. One of my wishes-dreams-fantasies I have in life is to be able to hibernate just like bears. I love being lazy and I wish I could just cuddle up in a cave…er my bed (especially that it is winter) with food surrounding me and I would just simply sleep and hibernate- and maybe watch movies and read cheesy novels as well- no movement involved- no calorie burning involved.

I know I said priory that I hate vacation - I still do. Except this time I have not taken a break since last semester-followed by summer course followed by this one. To my calculation I would not have a similar vacation until my graduation. In which, I plan to hibernate in and make the most of the remaining 21 days of this vacation. Who knows I might be wanting to come back to college by next week. Meanwhile, I’ll try to post now and then while I take the role of a bear.

-Esperanza Writes

قبل عام ٍ و نصف تقريبا ً، كانت تربطني علاقة صداقة قوية بهذه الكاتبة…اعتبرتها أختا ً لي…أحببتها بشدة… و هي كانت تبادلني نفس المشاعر….على حد قولها.. لا أنكر بأنها أظهرت لي حبها من خلا بعض كلامها و تصرفاتها…و لكني لا أعلم إن كانت حقيقة أو محض تمثيل؛ فقد أصبح الشك ينتابني بكل ما مررنا به خلال صداقتنا التي استمرت عامين تقريبا ً.

لا أنكر بأني أشتاق لبعض الأمور قي تلك العلاقة…و لا أنكر أني أتمنى لو أن ما فرقنا من تصرفاتٍ و أكاذيب لم يكن موجودا ً…لا أنكر أني أتمنى أن استرجعها كصديقة لي…لا أنكر أني مازلت أكن لها بعض الحب بالرغم من نفوري الشديد منها بعد كل ما حدث و بعد كل ما سببته لي من أذى ً يستمر جرحه بالنزيف كل ما استرجعت ذكريات الماضي.

أحببتها فقدمت لها النصح و الإرشاد…أحببتها فكنت لها كالمرآة التي لا تظهر سوى الحقيقة…أحببتها فعاتبتها…أحببتها فقدمت الدعم لها و عززت ثقتها بنفسها و أعنتها على فعل الصواب بتشجيعي الدائم لها…. أحببتها فخذلتني، طعنتني في ظهري، قالت الأكاذيب و أوهمتني أنها الحقائق ، زعزعت ما تبقى من ثقتي بنفسي، و ضعتني في مواقف محرجة ، و قالت لأ ُناس ٍ لا يعرفون سوى اسمي أموراً قد لا تمد للحقيقة بصلة، و ليومي هذا و أنا أحاول أن أكتشف ماذا قالت و لمن قالته و ماذا كان الهدف من ورائه…

أكاذيبها و أقوالها سببا لي الأذى النفسي، العقلي و الجسدي…كنت دائما ما أصاب بالمرض، و تزول ابتسامتي عن و جهي مسببة ً الحيرة لدى صديقاتي و حتى أساتذتي عن سبب غياب تلك الابتسامة التي عُرفت بامتلاكها طوال الوقت…. ذهني كان شاردا ً؛فبدأت درجاتي بالتدهور و نشاطي في الفصل قد قل وكان معدوما ً في بعض الأحيان… اعتقدت أن هنالك شي ٌ يسبب لي كل هذا…مرض ٌ ربما… و لكني لم أدرك أن سبب تغير حالي كان بجانبي طوال الوقت …. لا عجب بأن الأذى لم يزل عني إلا عندما افترقت عنها وقطعت علاقتي بها نهائيا.

صديقتي هي عدوتي و أنا لم أدرك ذلك إلا بعد أن نفذت قوتي و بات من المستحيل أن أتحمل المزيد من الأذى.

في الحقيقة، و منذ بداية علاقتنا، كنت دائما أشعر بعدم الارتياح اتجاه بعض أقوالها و أفعالها و أشعر بأنها تخبئ شيئا ما، و لم أكن أعلم آنذاك بأن ما تخبئه كانت حقيقتها التي كانت تزيفها بطرق ابتكرتها و لا تزال تستخدمها…. شككت بها منذ البداية، و لكن من حبي لها توارى لي أن سبب شكوكي قد يكون بفعل الشيطان… الشيطان الذي لا يتحمل رؤية علاقة متينة كتلك التي كانت لدينا…. فكنت أعتقد بأنه يوسوس لي حتى أنهي صداقتنا، فأصبحت ألوم نفسي على ما كان ينتابني من أفكار ٍ شيطانية، فكرهت نفسي لشكي بمن اعتبرتها أختي…كرهت نفسي فغضضت النظر عما كانت تقول و تفعل…كنت أكبت غضبي بداخلي و لا أخبرها كم منزعجةٌ أنا منها.. اعتقادا ً مني أن شيطاني هو السبب وراء كل ما كنت أختبره من أفكار ٍ و مشاعر سلبية.

بعد عامين تقريبا ً ، و بعد شكوك ٍ راودتني معظم الوقت، انكشفت الحقائق… انكشفت الحقائق بعد ما أصبح من المستحيل أن تُخبئ أكثر.

أكاذيبها لم تعد تتماشى مع بعضها من كثرتهم، و بات من هم حولي يكشفون حقائق كانوا يعرفونها ولكنهم تجنبوا إخباري بها خوفا ً من أن يكون فعلهم هذا سبب افتراقنا فيلاموا هم على ما آلت إليه هذه الصداقة.

لم أكن أبحث عن الحقائق… الحقائق جاءت لي و اتضحت بعض الأمور فتوقفت بالشعور بالذنب لشكي بها، و طفح كيلي و صببت بغضبي المكتوم عليها… غضب ٌ كتمته لمدة عامين و لكن اختصرت وصفي لها و لما فعلته… فنعتها بالكاذبة… طبعا ً بالإضافة إلى أشياء قاسية قد قلتها.. و لكني لم أندم.. فهي تستحق ما هو أكثر من ذالك..

افترقنا و ذهبت كل واحدةٍ منا إلى طريقها.. تحسنت حالتي، و لكن مازلت في بحث دائم عن أجوبةٍ لبعض الأسئلة التي مازالت تشغل بالي و تراودني بين كل حين …

كل ٌ منا في سبيله.. و ها هي اليوم ابتكرت قصة جديدة لجذب عيون الناس و اهتمامهم لها… مدعية ً أنها تغيرت و أصبحت إنسانة أفضل بكثير مما كانت عليه سابقا ً… و ها هم الناس يصدقونها و ينخدعون بجمالها الذي لا طالما استخدمته كوسيلة للفت الأنظار إليها… و لأكون صادقة ، أنا أيضا ً خُدعت بجمالها و ما صاحبه من تصرفات ً اعتبرتها مهذبة، و لكن كان كله كذب… كلُ شيئ ٍ كان زائفا ً..

دعم الناس و مدحهم لها مستمرٌ نتيجة انخداعهم بالأقوال و المظاهر الخارجية، و لكن ما يحيرني هو سؤالٌ واحد : هل وصلت السذاجة لدى الناس إلى حد ٍ يمنعهم من محاولة رؤية ما ورآء الستار؟…….. ألا يرون أنه من غير المنطقي أن يتمتع إنسان ٌ بكمال ٍ يدّعيه بمظهر أو بقول ٍ أو بفعل ٍ غيرُ مباشر؟ ألا يشعرون بأن هنالك خطب ٌ ما؟ ألهذه الدرجة أصبحت عقولوهم تفكر بسطحية ٍ مطلقة؟

للأسف الشديد هذا ما آل إليه الحال في جيلنا و نتيجة لذالك رُفع شأن و قدر من هو جديرٌ أن ينحط قيمته لدى الناس، و من يستحقون ما حصلت عليه كاتبتنا من مدح ٍ و إعلاءٍ للشأن ضُرب بهم عرض الحائط و بعضهم لم يُعترف بوجودهم فأصبحوا نكرة.

كم كن المؤسف أن نرى من يسلكون الطرق الخاطئة يحققون النجاح و الشهرة بينما من لا يمشون سوى على طريق الصواب يُنكر وجودهم و لا يتم البحث عنهم لتقديرهم.

هذا ما آل إليه مجتمعما من حال…و نتيجة ً لوضعنا هذا… كاذبة أصبحت كاتبة….

RJ007

It has been a while I know, but what can I say? College? Loads of papers and essays? stress over stress? Never mind that. However, do mind that I came to write here today for a reason. Yet the reason will remain until the latter. I’m not sure if the theory that I’m going to mention in a bit have came around in your life but the concept sure will sound familiar (although I’m pretty sure the way I’m going to explain it is somehow different).

You know when you are waiting for an elevator, you standing on the ground floor and the elevator is on the thirty second perhaps and you are pushing the buttons. Pushing, and anticipating it coming, and waiting and waiting for it to come but it so taking a damn long time. It is stopping on every floor and you are waiting. You wish you could go up the stairs but by the time you will get to the floor you are aiming for you will be out of breathe. So, you wait– impatiently-  you keep pushing and pushing the buttons, both those going up and down, as if by doing that you are making it come faster. And then when it finally arrives, it opens in a fast speed and people crammed inside just get out and semi-step on your feet and semi-trips you and by the time the people are all gone you manage to stand right outside the elevator and you see it’s empty from the inside. While, you lift your foot to step inside, the elevator closes and it goes up without waiting for you. Just like that it shunned you.

That elevator is that bottled up person, filled with all those emotions and you are the one who just keep pushing the buttons. The person is filled and filled, it exploded and now it is empty. The feelings turned out from everything to nothingness.

It hurts to be this person. So lost. So filled. So bottled. and So empty. Yet, no matter how you shun that person out of the elevator, that person will keep pushing the buttons until it is allowed. Because that person finds life more beautiful, easier, better with the elevator. And no matter what you do that person will be waiting until you give in and allow that person to be in. Me into your heart. No matter what you will do and how much you are through I will not leave you. No life is good without you.

I will keep nagging and nagging and pushing your buttons no matter how you try to shun me out of your emptiness.

Because a lot of things. Because you made me write this post for you which means you are dear. Because life is bitter without the sweet, which is you. Because I love you.

I do not know what is wrong, but allow me to listen.

Many loves,

Esperanza Writes

     حالتي لم تسوء، و لكنها لم تتحسن أيضاً…أعيش في فترة التغيرات الجذرية في جميع مجالات حياتي…الوضع غير مستقر و هذا يزيدني ارتباكاً و خوفاً من أن المستقبل سيأتي بما لا تشتهيهُ نفسي…الخوف طيَّر النوم من عيني، و باتت عينايَّ منبع سيول الدموع..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يستساغ..ماءٌ مالحٌ لا يسيل سوى في الليالي الظلماء، و في الصباح يختبئُ حتى ياتي الليلُ فيفيض…منبعٌ ينتظر ابتعاد الناس عنه حتى إن سال سال بعيداً عن أعينهم التي لا تود الرأفة على منبع ٍ لا يضخ سوى ماء ٍ مالح ٍ لا يحتمل طعمه؛ فالناس لا تود أن ترى سوى ما يتسببٌ بتمدد أطراف شِفاههم و انطلاق القهقهات الصادرة من حناجرهم…هذا ما يفعله من هم من دمي و لحمي، فكيف هم من لا يعرفون سوى اسمي…..

 RJ007

During the course of our lives, we go through ups and downs, and no one is excluded from that fact, you can’t run away from it, it will chase and find you no matter who you are.

I myself am going through some “Downs”, and that has been the case for over a year….it sounds so miserable and frustrating, to the extent that at certain points I wished I were dead;  because to me the idea of “no longer existing” seemed to be the best way not to experience those unpleasant events of “Downs”, however, due to my knowledge that “ there’s an up for every down” I realized how lucky I am to be alive, and now am impatiently waiting for the great upcoming events brought to me by the “Ups” that life promised I would experience one day. 

Though am sure that life would keep its promise, however, I find myself puzzled with tens of questions about the “Whens” and “Hows” of the promised “Victory” that comes with the “Ups”….I start asking ; For how long I’ll keep going through downs and finally reach to the Ups? When will I hit the “Rock bottom”? Is it going to be too harsh? Am I going to cope with it? Are the “Ups” going to be pleasant enough to make it up for what I have suffered during the “Down” period of my life?…..etc.

 Time passes by and unpleasant events keep happening to you, tension rises, disappointment and lack of hope seem to be your only two companions in this journey, tears are shed every now and then, support is searched for, friends and family are consulted, a helping hand is required, the sense of security is desired, shocks and surprises dazzle you, speechless becomes your status, smiles and laughs are faked, questions rule your brain, emotions control your heart,  days feel longer and endless, time doesn’t seem to pass, loneliness is what you feel even if surrounded by tens of people,  happiness seems unreachable, tomorrow is not thought about, surviving the day becomes your daily challenge, painful and probably forgotten memories are remembered, the value of the happy days and moments are more appreciated and understood, prayers are told more often, regular problems become harder to cope with, solutions are searched for, decisions become harder to make, options get limited and sometimes too many that no single option seems to be the best, complains become infinite, blessing are all forgotten about, others do not concern you, life seems unfair to you, others and their problems are not seen by you, the entire universe seems to rebel against you and only you, changes occur, mostly unpleasant ones, undesired alternatives merge but you go with for you to have no other option, the smallest things drive you crazy, little issues are exaggerated, peace of mind is needed but not found…..Among all these, there comes a moment when only one pleasant event takes place, one prayer being answered, and in a very surprising and extremely quick way, that frown on your face turns into a smile, and for a few minutes, if not for the whole day, all those emotions and changes brought by the “Downs” in your life just vanish away, for them you feel exist no more or were not there in the first place…..I find it quit ironic how that “One” answered prayer made all my pain and misery fade away within a fraction of a second….obviously it’s not about the size, it’s about the strength of the impact that made the light of hope shine again in my life, and brought back that smile I myself haven’t seen in a long time…

Despite of what I am going through, I can positively say the following “ I AM HAPPY” followed by a smile that is the result of the peace of my mind…. I feel fresh and new as if I was just born.

If I haven’t experienced this event yesterday I wouldn’t be sharing with you a lesson I have learned and an advice I would like to give…….. Search for your happiness because you will surely find it somewhere and somehow, don’t be deceived by the magnitude of events or the negative energy you are surrounded with, even bad things have a bit of good in them, only if you believe so, and always remember, it is not about the size, it’s about the strength of impact…

RJ007

After reading “Steal Like an Artist” by Austin Kleon ( Highly recommended) I came to be interested with this author. Along my search with Kleon’s name I found out that he has another book called “Newspaper Blackout” . Basically, the book is a collection of poems using a different methodology than the usual pen and paper method. It is about taking a piece of newspaper and highlighting the words that stand out and scribble the rest of the words and than those “stand out words” form a poem. (Visit his site to learn more about it).

I was, still am, fascinated by the idea and put the book on my “to-read” list. Meanwhile, I got inspired (or more likely stole like an artist) to do a therapy using this method and a canvas.

You see years ago when I was 15 years old ( some of you my ex-blog readers know this) I wrote a book. Published and all but not in stores. Because I hated the book I wrote, yes we come to hate the things that we do. From  its dull typical plot, to it’s uncountable grammar mistakes I just left the boxes of one hundred+ books in the closet. So I decided to do a therapy where I renovate my words into other words. My work to other work. Sounds like good therapy to me.

The idea came in taking the first page of each chapter (nineteen chapters in total plus an introduction page) and creating the newspaper blackout thing, than putting it on a canvas that I’ve colored with rusted wall-like color to look like as if its pinned on an old isle wall in some old poor neighborhood.

 You see those red books, yes those mines. After finishing from blackouting the 19 pages I tried to figure out a way to put it on canvas.

Check out my lab coat that is messed up with paint. I wish I could wear it outside

I used acrylic colors, mixed up black and white with a silver touch at the end.

The final result!!

Decide for yourself if you like it or not . The following is each page shown to you and the words it consists. Call it poems, scattered words, thoughts I don’t care but I love it.

Introduction:

I decided to write a story.

I hope.

to all who believed in me.

Chapter1:

My name is…

First…

Second…

Interrupted.

Sighed..

Over and over again.

Shower, clothes, bag, school.

Crowded, talking, laughing,

serious conversations.

What’s going on there?

Chapter 2:

Dreaming, talking.

Smiled, daydreaming.

Bell, books, Dare I know?

Wait and see.

Chapter 3:

Today grin face.

World one play.

Thinking.

You think?

Hoping, daring, be.

Chapter 4:

Nice shot!

cheered.

Eight out of ten.

Joked, laughed.

Chapter 5:

BOOM!

Ugh!

Away.

Chapter 6:

Explore,

Nothing important.

Chapter 7:

Ask.

Good luck!

Chapter 8:

Everywhere, there.

Them moments hurt.

Thought of yesterday.

Chapter 9:

I stayed on the road.

Who could blame.

Answer?

In space.

Chapter 10:

For me,

murder is awful.

Not only that.

Chapter 11:

Judgement may be preserved, but no one to judge:

Needle criminal

is only a nickname.

Chapter 12:

I graduated.

Grownup,

what to do?!

one friend/

Then waiting…

Chapter 13:

Officer please!

All started to whisper.

FIVE DAYS!!

Chapter 14:

To the station.

Wondering why:

the ride is the opposite of

L i f e

Chapter 15:

Here goes nothing.

Situations decided we should start.

Chapter 16:

What do you mean we’re finished from here?

No! It can’t be! Not now!

Orders without agreement,

many risks.

Please, give me time

I can do something!

Chapter 17:

That night we found stupid things.

Only for one thing,

Identity.

Chapter 18:

Tomorrow,

no other day is urgent.

The end

is coming.

Chapter 19:

After I was treated a bunch of flowers applauded.

I cried.

Repeat again.

Those who followed me on instagram knew about this project. Follow me @norawithletters

-Esperanza  Writes

I admit it has been a while since I wrote anything. Hell, I don’t even remember when was the last time and what did I write about. I would have to check in order to remember. All I can recall is that I was complaining to my friend when i just had started summer course about how I wasn’t writing as I would like to. Anyway I wasn’t away and that means I am not back. I was just in a hold mood until I was done from summer course.
Speaking of summer course I feel the need to elaborate on this subject a bit. You see this is my first time to ever take a summer course and as it is I never expected myself to be this lazy I mean, aside from not writing, I really had gotten lazy. It is like the almost five days between the ending of the second semester and the starting of summer course was not the tad bit enough to regenerate my brain cells. I just attend the three subjects I’ve taken, try as much as I can to concentrate, think I understand something, and go home not doing anything as if the classes I attended didn’t happen. And then I just ended up the course with grades I am not that satisfied with. Thinking of it now I came up with a few conclusions why did I become that lazy person in this course:
1. It’s summer hence it is very very very very very hot, that it stopped my brain cells from working the way it should work properly. I’m sweating bad more like a guy (and in a not cool gym way but the disgusting you don’t want to speak of way. TMI I know!!) The heat makes me think all the day of going home and classes from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm is a long run from going home. (Did I say VERY hot?)
2. Due to the fact that becoming an semi- A student did not happen until I became deeply involved with literature it made sense that I was not interested in the mandatory but awful subjects that did not include any sort of literature. I preferred to leave the literature subjects for the long courses so I could enjoy my classes to the max. ( A literature nerd you say?)
3. I know that I have mentioned before ( here) that I hate vacations and I still do. But it turned out (and I mentioned that as well) that five days is not a vacation or a breather. I needed two weeks at least to reboot myself.
4. Subjects I took were lame. Extremely lame. One was Kuwait history (that I repeated) and the other one even though it is in the English field but it’s the linguistics side and I just … hate linguistics. Why should a literature student take five courses in that field? .. meh.
Even though I when I was done from summer course I said that I wouldn’t be taking it again because the lack of effort I gave I figured out that I will be taking it again and here is why:
1. When calculated how many subjects I had left it turned out with a summer course and a year and a course (that is 3 courses and a summer course) I would be graduating not this year but next year the first half. I can’t believe I’m this close I thought I still had two years. But because I’m planning to take twelve subjects this year ( that is six subjects per course), three in the summer course, and seven in the remaining course this is manageable. I wasn’t even aware of that!!! Yes I know this a lot of stress but I know I could do it (inshAllah) plus I need to graduate first half of the year so I could complete my masters the next year. Turns out for masters if you graduate the first half the following September you could complete but if you graduate the second half you have to wait for the next year to join (weird I know). So yeah if I want my plan to go well I have to take a summer course.
2. See what I said about vacations? Well yeah a three months vacation is a lot for me that is when I hate vacation. At least I made something useful with my life (even though it is not that useful) instead of sitting at home.
For now I am enjoying my Ramadan and what is remaining from my vacation until next course. I will beginning with my new minor (Comparative Literature) which by the way I’m from the very first students who is minoring in this field in Kuwait University (YAAAY!! I’m excited). It is going to be a course loaded with literature subjects (four literature, one linguistics , and one philosophy). Let us see how things go on the way inshAllah all to the best.
I feel like shouting another YAAY for finally writing something YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!

-Esperanza Writes

I don’t usually update on things that doesn’t involve writing but I do make exceptions especially for my readers to stay connected with me like where to find me. I here have two more locations to find me first thanks to our fellow blogger and app maker Fahad from http://elderwaza.com/ he had added my blog to the ” blogat ” app for iPhone users.

I am pretty sure you’ll like it and you will see other fellow bloggers listed there as well. Thanks!

The other place you could find me in is Instagram under the account ” @norawithletters ” (yup!! my real name is Nora if you haven’t guessed yet.)

Hope to see you there

-Esperanza Writes

There is a small city, so far way and hidden. In it lives little people working and being hyper active. However, because they are little tiny itsy people in a tiny little itsy city nobody knows of this place. The only creatures who know of its existence are flying birds that pass above it and rest in it while immigrating.  In this city a natural cycle runs. Newborn babies come into life everyday and old folks die as their journey in life ends.

And yet they were different. Different not only in the sense that they were so tiny (much like a journey in Gulliver’s travels to the tiny people) but in their way of fueling. They, not like regular people fuel on food on water, but have their own way of fueling with a weird kind of way. They fuel on letters, inspiration, and moving forward of the normal people. Whenever normal people thinks of words that are combined with multiple letters, or endorses a new kind of knowledge those tiny citizens would be all energized up. Talking a lot and being the fireworks to normal people. Without the normal people knowing.

Unfortunately, if they are not fueled over time those little people loses their power and slack off. And little by little they lose their souls, and this city become without citizens to count.

All those little people’s pleas are that they keep being fueled. To keep the city going. They are afraid to vanish.

-Esperanza Writes